Chapter 6: New start

Around 6 months pregnant, I started to lose it. This was the point in my previous pregnancy when I had lost my vision. And I’d been giving into cravings and straying from my diet. I felt like I was setting myself up for a fall. And sure enough, one day, I was going about making lunch for my daughter, feeling very spaced out and nursing the onset of a migraine when suddenly my vision started to darken. It was happening: the fear that I would go completely blind seemed to be coming true. I sat my daughter in front of the TV and lay down on the bed, closed my eyes and tried to breathe deep, calming breaths. Even with my eyes shut I could see this strange black splodge with a rainbow halo around it. It definitely wasn’t what had happened in my other eye, but it was still terrifying. I couldn’t look anything up online about it because I couldn’t see. I just lay there and tried to relax until it faded away. Later I learned that it was an ‘ocular migraine’, and even later I learned that it was caused in my case by having ingested a large quantity of soft cheese the day before.

That scare put me on edge. The next meeting I had with my midwife and doula, I took a deep breath and talked to them about my fears. They were so caring, compassionate, thoughtful and supportive. They listened, they heard me, they held me and I felt a little lighter. They each had been through their own traumas, and it gave me strength to see that they had been able to survive and thrive in spite of them. I was starting to watch people live gracefully with difficult circumstances and learning that maybe I could do the same.

Thanks to their good work and the unwavering support of my husband, our home birth went smoothly and the postpartum period was more manageable than the previous one. I leaned into the down time with my second child, snuggling her close and breathing in her baby scent. And I got help straight away with her tongue tie, rather than live for years with painful breastfeeding. I was starting to learn a few lessons.

But the symptoms kept coming because there were still some messages I hadn’t been able to hear. I got mastitis six times in six months. I was exhausted and now parenting two small children. As my baby approached her first birthday, I was starting to realise all over again that I was not healthy, happy and successful and I still had more work to do. Talk about smashing your head against a brick wall!

Contact

anna@autoimmunerecoveryproject.com

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