Chapter 5: Relief

And all through this process, my husband was working from home in the mornings and looking after our daughter in the afternoons so that I could rest. He was strung out and we argued a lot. I knew that there was too much pressure on him but I couldn’t get past the fact that I was unable to offer more. I felt guilty and unworthy and I hated myself. We both lashed out critically at one another, feeling hard done by. And we would both escape into our screens often instead of going through the pain of connecting with each other at the end of a long day.

We suffered so many setbacks. I came down continually with viral infections like coughs, colds, flu, food poisoning, covid and long covid. Occasionally I would have one day in between two illnesses where I wasn't actively ill with a virus. And after the food poisoning episode, my husband got appendicitis and had to go to hospital for an appendectomy. I knew that he needed a break but neither of us was able to get one.

In spite of all of this, I was gaining margins in my energy and I was reducing my list of symptoms. The more I worked on getting better, the better I got, so I was inspired to plough ahead.

After living with symptoms of long covid for 9 months, I finally found myself a herbalist to help me. She was compassionate and practical and sent me herbal tinctures that got my disastrous menstrual cycle back on track within two months. I was riding the high of success again, feeling like I had made it.

The time was approaching for my third year of immunosuppressive drugs. I got a day-long infusion once a year to wipe out my B-cells and I hated it. I hated fighting my body with drugs, I already had enough internal conflict without medication. But I had also been grateful for the peace of mind that it had given me as I had spent those two years working on my health with the security of knowing that at least I probably wouldn't have any more debilitating attacks.

I wasn't quite feeling ready to give up the safety net that immunosuppression gave me. But I was sure that I didn't want to wipe out my B-cells for a whole other year. So after two years on immunosuppressants, I decided to stop taking them. My doctor was against it and made it very clear that this was not an acceptable decision in his eyes, but he was also respectful and supportive. He booked me in for more regular check-ups and told me to get in touch if (or when, in his opinion) I experienced deterioration. But I just kept getting better, little by little.

And the fear about going blind and losing my mobility? I just tried to ignore it. I didn’t tell anyone that the first thing I did when I woke up in the morning was open my eyes in a panic to see if I had gone blind in the night. I talked about how I caught fewer colds, had more energy, and felt a little better all the time.

Ah, I thought, I've done it! My B-cells are back and I haven’t had a relapse! And on that high, we embarked on the next challenge of having our second child. This time it will be different: this time I really am healthy, happy and successful.

Contact

anna@autoimmunerecoveryproject.com

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